The things you “CANNOT” talk about!

I am always reflecting on my life. That is; my job, that is my responsibility to myself. Reflect, are you doing what makes you happy? Are you working toward your goals? Have you reached any of your goals? What are your goals? What are your desires? Where is the love? What is testing and pushing you?

So I realize that chronologically, this jumps all over. But as I think about things that are important to be happy, healthy and fulfilled, I feel it is important to discuss.

As my birthday approaches I very deeply reflect on life many times per day.

All I have ever wanted , is why most women want; a career they love, an attainable level of education, physical and mental health in check, a Happy home, an amazing partner that loves you endlessly and a baby (or 2, or 3 or whatever your number is).

As I am reflecting, I have some things I feel are inadequacies. I have the most important, a man I love and loves me in return. Every day isn’t perfect, but our love is amazing. I’ve never experienced anything like it. I’m so safe, so in love and I feel that love in return. Somehow, our relationship gets better and deeper at random times. I feel as though it is perfect, then it reaches a new level.

There is a huge hole in my heart, where the whole “baby” subject is concerned. And although I couldn’t imagine, nor do I want a baby now or in the next year, I cannot help but feel afraid that this will not work. Maybe so, but it is a source of disappointment and anxiety.

Also, there is my Master’s. Although the plan is to start again in the spring; it is a plan.

On the upside I am surrounded by the two most lovely children; a 4 y.o. Boy and a 5y.o. Girl. They are amazing. Smart, beautiful, creative, energetic; and they have blossomed in the last year. They make life busy, amazing and exciting. And watching their dad with them, that is amazing.

So I guess you aren’t supposed to say that you are successful and have found the love of your life. That you are safe, you have a beautiful home. But that you have these things, disappointment, if you will, that seem menial, but are heavy. WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT THIS?

You meditate. You practice breathing. You begin a seven day meditation on gratitude and step up your yoga. I’ll let you know if it works. But one last thing LOVE. Love that you are where you are; love that you are presented challenges to better yourself; trust the one who loves you will desire your ultimate happiness as well.

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