The email had been sent outlining exactly how I wanted our arrangement (marriage) to end. We spoke on the phone, it was not a long conversation: it was hostile, I could hear the sadness and heart ache and disbelief. I felt sad for him. At this point my state of mind and heart recognized sadness and letting go, but what was I letting go of……
To be quite honest it had been over for quite some time. And although I felt as though I did not quite know where or what I would do, I felt relieved. This relationship did not begin toxic, but then, very few do. Over the course of some very deep tragedies, enabling on both sides and a slow drift, it now was what it was. I, honestly, do not want to get in to the problems and causes, I will just say I finally felt like I was going to learn who I was, be able to embrace what was important and to become the person I wanted to be.
Fears…..they are powerful. As I continued with my 40 day exercise, I realized how many fears I actually had.
- The fear of ultimately ending up alone
- The fear of never being truly happy
- The fear of never having children
- The fear of never quenching my unbridled appetite to do everything nursing.
I needed to examine these fears one by one. Address these fears, accept the rational and irrational and discover exactly who I was. My bestie and I threw myself on some weird dating sites to meet people. What kind of people interested me? What kind of person did I like talking to? What belief were important?
I was not looking for any type of relationship beyond friendships. But what an incredible journey I was about to embark on. I promise it is one you will love to follow.
